Over the past three weeks, we have spoken a great deal about the lives of Jewish men. We have discussed the experiences and conditioning of men in general, specific issues and challenges facing Jewish men, and relationships between Jewish men and Jewish women. In the final lecture in this series, we will explore strategies for improving and enhancing Jewish men's lives.
STRATEGIES FOR ENHANCING OUR LIVES
We all have some aspects of our lives that are going well - our work, family, friends, religious practice, extra-curricular activities, etc. At the same time, we often settle for limited lives, which are not completely fulfilling, either physically, emotionally, spiritually or intellectually. We tend to accept rigid, narrow definitions of what it means to be a man or be a Jew. We often have a limited vision of what kinds of people we can be close to and who we can trust and depend upon. We also settle for a world that does not treat everyone well.
We deserve to have more and we can make it different. Here are some strategies:
Building Relationships Among Jewish Men
As I described in the first lecture, young men, including Jewish young men, are systematically conditioned to be independent, self-sufficient, responsible, and to function in significant isolation from others. Men are taught to look to women, not men, for our most significant emotional, physical and moral support. Though we have developed important relationships with other men, they often have limits. We do not depend enough upon each other, nor do we ask much from each other. . We can become overly competitive and not trust each other. We are afraid to confide in other men, and to be vulnerable and share ourselves or be intimate with each other.
Jewish men need good relationships with each other. People yearn for closeness and connection with all other people - which includes men wanting closeness with other men. We cannot function well on our own. We must have close community and supportive relationships, and we need to have these with men, as well as with women.
With other Jewish men, we can:
* Talk about our lives with each other. Share our joys, dreams, worries and struggles. Discuss what it was like for us to grow up as Jewish men. Listen to each other share stories about our relationships to our fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, lovers and friends. Talk about work, sex, money, success, competition, relationships or fatherhood. Take risks and go beyond the bounds of what will be comfortable to share about ourselves.
* Develop a network of supportive relationships with other men. Ask each other for help. Depend on one another for emotional support. Create spaces where it is okay to let down our guard and let our difficulties show. Make room to heal from the harsh childhood gender conditioning which we experienced. Examine the ways we have accepted limits on the kind of person we are, and how we live our lives.
* Celebrate our lives with each other. Pray, play, sing, and dance together. Study together. Hold rituals that honor our lives and relationships.
* Create a community of Jewish men that mirrors the true diversity in our ranks. Develop relationships with secular men and observant men; Mizrachi, Sephardic and Ashkenazi men; gay men, bisexual men, and heterosexual men. Reach across class and age lines. Our personal world view will be expanded as we are able to broaden our relationships.
Building Relationships with Jewish Women
Jewish men need other Jewish men, but we also need to have relationships with women. As I discussed last week, our relationships with Jewish women are often clouded by old "baggage. " It can be challenging for us to cherish and support each other well. We can make these relationships better. In lecture three, I outlined a number of steps to make this improvement.
Building Relationships with Gentiles
Many of us have heard the phrase "you can't trust the goyim." As a result of the history of Jewish oppression, most Jews have learned and internalized distrust and caution about non-Jews. This limits our ability to build close relationships with gentiles. We are inherently connected to all people, including gentiles. In order to escape the limits on our lives, especially those related to the way we have internalized the messages of anti-Semitism, we need the perspective of people who have different life experiences than us.
We can:
* Reach out to gentile men. Build relationships with a broad range of people; moving beyond the comfortable limits we place on ourselves. Talk about our experiences as men; our similarities and our differences. Identify and share the particular strengths that we each have learned from our cultures.
* Train gentiles to be our allies and supporters. Teach them about the struggles and strengths that we have as Jews. Ask them to support us to break out of the ways that we have accepted limitations in our lives. Insist that they stand firmly against the mistreatment of Jews in any form.
Tikkun Olam - Fixing the World
Many of the difficulties that we have as individuals are related to the institutional forms of oppression that permeate our society. The narrow vision we often have about how we are supposed to live our lives is related to the systematic conditioning of gender roles, the internalization of the messages of anti-semitism, the economic pressures of classism, and the effects of other oppressions. Oppressions makes us think that we should be separate from those who are different than us.
In order to make our personal lives better and more full, we will need to fix the aspects of society that hurt people, restrict their lives, and keep us separated.
We must:
* Work towards the elimination of all gender-based oppressions. Fight the hurtful conditioning of boys and girls into tight-fitting gender roles.
* Challenge classism and advocate for a more just economic system, one that does not force people into a mad dash towards upward mobility in order to have security in their lives.
* Advocate for the ending of Jewish oppression in all of its forms. Insist that Jews not be scapegoated, stereotyped, dismissed, or ignored.
* Work for the elimination of all oppressions that keep us separated and believing that our individual needs are incompatible with those of others.
Conclusion
Jewish men are good people. We have been successful scientists, philosophers, artists, entrepreneurs, athletes, theologians, activists and more. We have been loving fathers and dedicated sons. We have helped build strong Jewish communities and we have been invaluable to the workings of our neighborhoods, cities and countries. We are caring, strong, sensitive men with a deep belief in doing what's right.
Jewish men also have struggles, as do all people. We have areas of our lives where we do not have high hopes for ourselves, where we feel inadequate, where we feel lonely and unwanted. We do not always have the intimacy and closeness that we need and deserve.
Jewish men can overcome these challenges. We can set our lives up in order to fill our greatest dreams. We do not need to accept any limitations on our lives and our relationships. We can be men who are tough and sensitive; who are athletic and intellectual; who use our hands, our hearts, and our minds. We can laugh and we can cry. We can celebrate and we can mourn.
We can be close and vulnerable with other Jewish men. We can build caring supportive relationships with Jewish women. We can have diverse communities which include Jews and gentiles of many stripes. We can fix the world - eliminating any and all forms of oppression.
Molding our lives into the form that we want takes work and kavana - intention. We can do it, it is our birthright.
Michael H. Taller is Founding Director of the Jewish Men's Project. He has taught, led workshops and spoken extensively on Jewish Men, Unlearning Anti-Semitism, Racism and Sexism, Blacks and Jews, and Building Alliances at many universities and Jewish institutions through-out the Bay Area. Michael, a graduate of Oberlin College, has worked as an alliance building trainer and peer counselor for more than twelve years. He is a consultant for Todos Sherover-Sims Alliance Building Institute and was recently the Assistant Director of Berkeley Hillel, the Jewish Student Center at the University of California at Berkeley. He lives in his home town of Berkeley, California.
